A Tale Of Two Sirens

Miss Independent?…

As you may or may not know, I’ve been talking to a guy- Larry- on OkC for a little over a month now and it’s been great. He’s really cute, has a fantastic sense of humour and knows how to read/write English.

Here’s the problem:

I messaged him first because he came up as one of my ‘quiver matches’ on OkC. I don’t usually message guys, except for trolling purposes. It’s just how I am. But I sent Larry a message and was surprised when he replied. The message I sent wasn’t intended to start anything, it was merely a compliment on his absolutely hilarious profile. It had the perfect blend of humour and impeccable grammar.

My problem is that it’s been over a month of messaging each other almost daily and yet there hasn’t been any talk of moving the conversion elsewhere, i.e. phone/text/facebook/whatsapp/email etc or even meeting up!

I want to give him my number because I’m bored of talking to him on OkC, but he seems perfectly content with sending me essays to read. I’m all for independent women and all, but I refuse to ask for his number/hint in an obvious way that I want him to ask for mine or suggest that we meet up. That should be his job…right? I’ve already broken Siren protocol by messaging him first, I’m not about to break it again.

So like, do I:

A) Continue messaging him and wait for him to ask?

B) Take the reins and step up as an independent woman?

Or C) Keep this shit moving and move onto the next guy?

He’s a nice guy and all, but the reason I put ‘C’ as an option is that if he’s one of those ‘shy’ guys that doesn’t go after what he wants, then we won’t be compatible at all. I like assertive guys. And I can’t with those “whatever you wanna do” guys.

#AintNobodyGotTimeForThat

It’s me, Siren B

ox

Nigga say whaaat?…

Yep, it’s that time again.

Here’s the best of this week’s messages (it’s a long one):

This here is a prime example of a when a white nigga doesn’t know how to flirt with a sister.

I just wasn’t in the mood. He was short, ugly and not what I deserve in life.

Last time I checked, my name wasn’t ‘google’ bruv.

If you knew you spelt it wrong, why didn’t you check for the correct spelling? That’s just fucking lazy.

This guy was the daddy of all clowns. He kept hounding me to give him my number so he could send me his picture. He assured me he would delete it after but I told him there was no reason to have it at all.

Before you see the next set of pictures, I feel that I should mention that they have in no way been fabricated. What you’re about to witness ACTUALLY took place.

The confusion was/is too real. I actually couldn’t continue conversing with this guy because I was laughing so hard. 

What I want to know is which wizard put my picture somewhere for all these crazies to come and find me.

Who did I upset? Really and truly, I want to know.

Not on anyone any time soon (unless both sets of genitalia are about the sexy time).

It’s me, Siren B

ox

Is this what I deserve in life?

Sometimes, I really can’t with niggas.

‘Nick’ was hired to do a job that I work quite closely with (not my paid job, just something on the side). He wasn’t there three weeks and he started expressing an interest in me.

Before I continue, let me describe what he looks like. 

He’s the same height as me- I’m already a shortish chick so if a guy is my height, I’m not really sure where the relationship is supposed to go.

He is a slight fellow- I’m not even talking lean, I’m talking puberty hasn’t hit yet.

He has really bad body odour- Mate, you’re 27 and you still don’t know what anti-perspirant is?

Amidst all of that I entertained the idea for all of three seconds before my sanity returned to me (it had been during a dry season and my ninny just wanted some attention). I told him I was only interested in working together and that would be it.

He told me he was okay with that.

Then he started saying he couldn’t go on like this because he was in love with me. 

Then he told me to find him a wife (bitch, do I look like my name is eHarmony?)

Then he said if I couldn’t find him one, I should be his wife.

Then he proposed to me via text…even though he had no money to buy me a ring (his actual words).

I kindly told him to fuck the hell off and went about my life.

Then I get a message from him saying he needs time to reflect so he’s fucking off to another part of UK for like 6 months. Except, he hasn’t finished the job he was hired to do.

What is pissing me off is that during the three seconds I entertained the idea of him, I had warned him that this would happen if anything happened between us and it didn’t work out. 

He told me I should give him a little more credit because he was more mature than that.

Apparently not.

Like, why put all this extra pressure on my head because you like my lips red and the way my ass looks in jeans??

Give me a vanilla babe any day of the week.

Seriously seething,

It’s me, Siren B

ox 

Wizards and Warlocks..

Ok, truth be told, when I first started this whole online dating lark, I didn’t take it too seriously or think there was a possibility of actually meeting someone that I would like.

A few weeks later, and it seems that every bloody person I meet worms their way into my affections.

I am currently ‘dating three people’. I put that in air quotes because technically, I have only been on a date with one but I know that two dates will arise in the near future so yeah, it all counts.

1. We have MM [see previous ‘like a virgin’ post] who is seriously losing brownie points with each day. He wants to see me today which is great. On the one hand, he is physically beautiful, however, I am more of a personality gal and he really isn’t floating my conversation boat.

2. A - Now, this relationship is becoming somewhat problematic because I have some sort of growing affections for him. I don’t know if I can take it though. My issues have issues and those issues are sure as all heck not ready for the strange bond we seem to have formed.

I had full intentions to keep all communications light and banter-y, but somehow, we’ve ended up having talks about ‘the future’. Corr fucking blimey. He is so adorable and I really don’t want to hurt him, but I am not good with relationships and in my heart of hearts, I think that’s where this particular ship is sailing.

3. The Musician - Anyone who knows me, knows I have a weakness for singers. Like a SUPER weakness. Not only is this guy a fucking acoustic guitar, piano and drum playing genius, he is ALSO taking me to the Ingrid Michaelson concert tomorrow for our first date.

I love indie music, and I love Ingrid. When I heard his song, I literally shivered in my timbers, then forwarded the deets to Siren B so she could hear. We both concur, he is hot. It turns out I’m a groupie.

So again I ask, who are all these bloody wizards and warlocks that have come to enchant me with their wit and melodious ditties? Away with all of you back to station 9 and 3 quarters where you belong!!

Here’s to warding off the spells.

Siren A

x

P.s. The ONLY problem, is A. I kind of like him but I am enjoying my dating life. The question is: Do I let him go now or enjoy him for as long as possible before things get too serious??

(Source: ataleoftwosirens)

I’m still alive…

Guys, I did it. I finally lost my virginity!

And I totes mean meeting-someone-from-an-online-dating-site-and-going-on-a-real-date virginity, not the sexual one (that one ran away from me years ago).

First things first: He didn’t turn out to be a rapist/killer/sex trader but then again we’ve only been on the one date so it’s still too early to know for sure.

He works in some kind of artistic field so from now on I’ll be referring to him as ‘the painter’.

I met him up at a busy London station and we had told each other of what we were wearing so we could recognise each other. As I got closer to him I realised two things: he was cuter than I thought, but he was also shorter.

I didn’t really mind though because we kind of hit it off. Granted it was a first date so we had lots of things to talk about and it was cool getting to know him and the like. We had planned to go to a great Thai restaurant for lunch but it was such a lovely, sunny day (we get about four of those per year in the UK) so we decided not to waste it and chose to walk around for a bit, soaking in the rays.

We got these yummy mango smoothies and kept walking and talking until we got hungry. Then we went into a lovely Italian hole-in-the-wall and had delicious food including decadent chocolate cake (huge brownie points for him).

After eating we sat in a courtyard and started talking about OkCupid. He told me I was the first person he’s met from the site and I admitted the same to him. We started talking about some of the questions OkC asked us and he said he had been asked how he felt about sex on the first date. I asked him what his answer was and he said something about if there was chemistry between him and the girl and she was up for it he wouldn’t say no, but it certainly wasn’t a deal breaker if it didn’t happen. Then he asked me how I felt about it. I told him I wouldn’t normally, but again if I met someone I just had to sex, I would live my life.

Then he asked me how I felt about kissing on the first date.

Here’s the thing: I don’t kiss. At all.

A few weeks ago I had a conversation with Siren A about this weird intimacy issue I had and after gentle persuasion from her I decided that if I liked a guy, I would kiss him. It didn’t have to be a big deal.

So I answered him semi-truthfully that I had yet to meet someone I wanted to kiss on the first date…except him.

He looked at his watch and saw that I had about half an hour before I had to leave and he said he wanted to utilise the full 30 minutes.

He leaned in and I just thought “what the fuck? People can see us!”

I stopped him and told him I didn’t do public displays of affection (my ex almost got a black eye for trying to kiss me at a bus stop once…but that’s a story for another day).

He then said we should go find a quiet place to continue. I wanted to kiss him so I said ok. London is a very busy place and by this time offices had started closing so people where everywhere! He pulled me into a store and we ended up making out behind a pillar like fifteen year olds. I wasn’t mad though- he was a good kisser.

But the security guard caught us so we exited the store swiftly.

Eventually, we found a quiet street and continued to make out like hormonal teenagers. In between kisses he complimented me on my abilities and I thought “Awww yeah, I still got it.”

*cue chorus of Mya’s ‘my love is like woah’*

We kissed until it was time for me to leave. He walked me to the station and said he wanted to take me out for dinner. I told him I’d let him know when I was free.

We have planned a date for next Thursday (initially it was for this Thursday coming, but I forgot I already had plans).

So yeah, it wasn’t all that bad…except for the slightly awkward/tense moment he asked to touch my boobs. That was weird, but I kissed him and the awkwardness passed.

I’m equal parts worried and looking forward to our next date. I wonder what else we’ll have to talk about. I guess I’ll have to wait and see.

Maybe it really isn’t all doom and gloom.

It’s me, Siren B

ox

Home-wrecking baby daddy stealing whore I am

This tale isn’t quite as long as my other posts but I just thought I’d give you guys a lil’ sum-sum seeing as I’ve been AWOL.

Let me tell you about my ex, Joshua (not his real name, but you know the drill by now).

Joshua was the housemate of the boyfriend of a friend of mine and I met him for the first time after crashing at said friend’s boyfriend’s house after a party we went to. Thankfully, I was still looking fine when I met him so after introductions, we got talking and all four of us stayed up till late hours of the morning just hanging out. It was a really good night and from there we became friends.

We were friends for about 2 months before he asked me out on a date. At this point in time, I had just finished high school so I was quite excited to go out with him (he would have been my first proper boyfriend). We had a lovely evening out (except for the part where I discovered I hated going out to dinner dates because all I want to do is chow down but I have to be picking at my food so I don’t look like a fat pig? Fuck. That.) and within a few weeks we were going steady. Then I got to uni and I wanted to live life so I broke it off with him (bitchy move I know, but I was 18…sue me).

In the three months we dated, nothing exciting/outstanding/incredible happened. It fell into a pretty boring relationship quite quickly and we weren’t even having sex and I really can’t remember what we did to pass the time- hence why it was so easy for me to move on. After we broke up, he kind of dropped off the face of the earth and I didn’t really hear from him for almost a year. During the summer after the first year of uni, he randomly texted me that he heard I went on holiday to our country of origin (we’re from the same country) and he just wanted to say hi. We started talking again and it was like he was a new person altogether and feelings that were never there to begin with started surfacing and before I knew it, I was in like with him again.

This time the relationship lasted over a year…until we broke up again for several different reasons but we still managed to keep in sporadic contact with each other (through facebook and the like).

This was how I knew he joined the army.

This was how I knew he finally finished his degree (that I pushed him to get- yes, I take full credit for that).

This was how I knew when he got a ‘new’ girlfriend.

This was how I knew they had a three year old son.

Yep.

The dickhead fully Jerry Springer’d me and had a baby mama without informing me. I just thank my lucky stars I never slept with him. It would have been me in the next picture holding his second child.

I just deleted him off facebook (and every other social networking site), erased his number and left him to play happy families with his girlfriend.

Sincerely wishing them the best in life,

It’s still me, Siren B.

ox

The Last Supper

At the risk of sounding a little bit sacrilegious, I have decided to name this post the last supper. Last night, Sherlock called me and asked me to go and see a movie with him. It was a bit strange considering that we had indeed had ‘the talk’ previously and he’d told me relationships were not on his mind, and as such, he wanted for our friendship to remain platonic. 

I agreed whole-heartedly…minus the platonic bit, because he really was a bloody good kisser. However, in spite of his declarations, we ended up making out, although, he would repeatedly stop and attempt to resist [futile might I add - like I said, I too, am a meister of le kissing].

 Eventually, we stopped and we had a chat, rather bittersweet, because we both enjoy each other’s company and evidently lips. The fact is that he currently does not want a relationship and as such, is afraid to continue down the path we had found ourselves ambling aimlessly along. We still have plans to hang out again in the future as we have somehow managed to establish a genuine friendship of sorts in between the kissing. I gave him a steamy reminder of my kisses and then we parted with a friendly hug. 

I respect his resolve but on the negative hand, it has only served to make him more attractive to me. A man who is not a slave to his dick is a mighty rare thing and I am proud of him for saying no. I think I will miss our sessions though. But I guess it was the right thing. Another night of all this perfect gentleman malarkey and I would have caught feelings and calmly straddled him and performed acts contrary to the dictates of sexual offence legislation. 

So yes, it was our last supper, and as the rappers on MTV do, I am pouring some liquor on the floor for our romance. Dead before it could begin.

 Here’s to you Sherlock. You have my unwavering respect. 

Siren A

x

(Source: ataleoftwosirens)

Con-line Dating…

So, I’ve been reading other blogs and it seemed everyone was winning with the online dating scene. I obviously did the natural thing and signed up to a couple.

To be perfectly honest, I don’t think I expected to find actual relationships on these things and I was incredibly terrified at the prospect of someone finding me, especially since you had to put your picture up.

My findings thus far are that the interweb is full of freaks. I like older guys as much as the next lass, but I cannot fathom why 54 year old men are asking me if I’d like to meet up with them. Ewww.

So my question for all you experienced online daters is this: how on earth does one sift through all the weirdos? Am I to assume that everyone online is a freak? There has to be AT LEAST 1 regular person out there who signed up on a whim like me as opposed to creepy creepbags who want to slip rohypnol in your coffee and lock you up in the back of their van?

That said, I have met TWO guys that are kinda hot. Both are white, and I have never dated white guys before, but I am not really fussed. As long as they are decent looking and mentally agile, I cannot judge.

Ok here goes.

We have, the firefighter who is in his thirties. I have presumed that his body must be made of rock because you can’t go around rescuing people from burning buildings with a flabby gut. He has a few tattoos, which I can get down with - but I am now concerned as I’ve noted 2 separate ages on his profile… Super awkward.

The second, makes no mention of his career [hmmm] but again, is in his thirties and at the very least has a consistent age. He also has a couple of tatts. Yummy.

I honestly doubt that this will go any further than harmless messaging/flirting but I am being entertained and I feel like an undercover agent breaking into the world of online dating.

That’s all for now. Promise to provide you with the deets of my findings.

Siren A

x

(Source: ataleoftwosirens)