A Tale Of Two Sirens

Yeah so I met another someone. Another okC someone. Another American someone. But my luck being my luck, this is what happened: 1. Ok so he is a little bit older than me. Not by too much. He is 33- which is cool because I’m 25 in like half a second. The only problem is that he is ready to settle down and procreate like tomorrow. I am more on the whole work until I rule the world trip. 2. He is rich. Again not a problem - I like money. I don’t however like feeling like a poor twat because I cannot afford to flit around the world like he can. 3. He is Christian grey. Yeah. That’s the thing. He owns paddles and the lot- and wants to become my sexual teacher. Which unfortunately is really hot to me. I literally start gagging for it every time he talks but I don’t want anyone to whip me with a riding crop. That would really upset me. 4. He is ex army. This I find the most frightening. I have watched greys anatomy. I don’t want anyone to choke me in the night because they are remembering their struggles in Iraq. You may think I am exaggerating but I know my life - it would be me that would come to and find myself tied up and mr. Grey dressed in full army regalia pointing an AK47 at my nose. Is that fair? 5. He has 2 cats. I hate animals. The end. So again I ask, can I date Christian Grey?? Siren A X

He is sweet. He lives in America. We skyped. He is hot. I like hot guys.

That would have been good enough for me since I intend to move to the states anyway - then he started sharing shit about his life (because he is in love with me) and that’s when the problems began.

1. He is a sex addict. He would argue that he isn’t but I beg to differ. If your number is over 100, then there is a magical sex elf living in your penis.

2. He used to be a serial player/cheater.

3. He isn’t as smart as I am.

4. He has been to jail. 

I was all for letting myself like him until no. 4.

I can’t quite get over that one because I am NOT a ride or die chick. I don’t believe it’s fair that I’ve genuinely worked hard my whole life to end up with an ex con.

P.s. Why am I suddenly attracting all the ex cons? Is that even fair on me?

No. The answer you are looking for is no.

Siren A

x

Ok after my 2 sec month hiatus, I am back - and with a bang too! Since I’ve been gone, my life has been eventful. No - I haven’t suddenly gotten a boyfriend; just a ton of other would be bfs that are short of my expectations.

I can’t tell all the stories at once but let me start with the Smooth Criminal (hereafter SC). So my bestest mate in the whole world, meets a super hot, super tall, super successful American guy (as you know, American men are my weakness). Being the awesome friend she is, she is reluctant to leave me behind so tries to set me up with one of his mates - his frat bro I believe. What’s wrong with that you say? Isn’t this all you’ve ever dreamed of? Glad you asked.

His mate adds me on FB and I immediately attempt to stalk him. So I click on to his profile pics and image no.1 is a dog. Ok, he is a dog guy - not the best for me (they terrify me) but not the worst news. Image 2. Also a dog, as were images 3 -15. By this point, I’m convinced he is actually a shape shifter so I’m slightly nervous until I happen across a group image. Not really impressed as this is making stalking particularly difficult, but I’m a writer - occupationally, investigation is part of me. So, I took to the world wide web and typed in his name and what do I find?

Page 1 of the Google search reveals that SC is apparently not so smooth as this page is A BLOODY MUG SHOT detailing not one but TWELVE criminal charges. Great - he’s an ex con. I tell my friend and she contacts her guy. He assures me that these are all ‘minor college issues’ that are totally sorted. I roll my eyes but press on, convinced in my heart that I can handle a thug nigga - after all, I’ve been watching MTV base and booty popping along to all the hip hop and rap since I could walk. Plus, he is 30 now - evidently a changed man. 

So why am I mad? This is why. I can take an ex con. I can take a 30 yr old ex con. What I cannot take is a 30 yr old ex con that is boring as all heck and not as intelligent as me. I personally think that if you’re creative enough to commit crimes, you should have a joke or 2 in your repertoire. The ONLY time he attempts a joke, they are always a bit rapey. And not really funny. 

Like knock knock…

Who’s there?

Rohypnol.

…

…

…

Not at all funny is it?

Do you know what is funny though? I recently discovered his job. He serves subpoenas. Oh the irony.

Siren A

x

I attract enough crazy niggas in my day to day life without crazy ass pof niggas sending me ‘love me or die’ texts.

Thanks and goodnight.

Siren A

x

A & C or Let him know to man up and pick B, if this is the case you find out very quickly if he is one of those ‘shy’ guys or not.

That’s true! But, I still have to choose. I just want someone to pick for me. Maybe a coin toss? Or dice. Hmmm…

As you may or may not know, I’ve been talking to a guy- Larry- on OkC for a little over a month now and it’s been great. He’s really cute, has a fantastic sense of humour and knows how to read/write English.

Here’s the problem:

I messaged him first because he came up as one of my ‘quiver matches’ on OkC. I don’t usually message guys, except for trolling purposes. It’s just how I am. But I sent Larry a message and was surprised when he replied. The message I sent wasn’t intended to start anything, it was merely a compliment on his absolutely hilarious profile. It had the perfect blend of humour and impeccable grammar.

My problem is that it’s been over a month of messaging each other almost daily and yet there hasn’t been any talk of moving the conversion elsewhere, i.e. phone/text/facebook/whatsapp/email etc or even meeting up!

I want to give him my number because I’m bored of talking to him on OkC, but he seems perfectly content with sending me essays to read. I’m all for independent women and all, but I refuse to ask for his number/hint in an obvious way that I want him to ask for mine or suggest that we meet up. That should be his job…right? I’ve already broken Siren protocol by messaging him first, I’m not about to break it again.

So like, do I:

A) Continue messaging him and wait for him to ask?

B) Take the reins and step up as an independent woman?

Or C) Keep this shit moving and move onto the next guy?

He’s a nice guy and all, but the reason I put ‘C’ as an option is that if he’s one of those ‘shy’ guys that doesn’t go after what he wants, then we won’t be compatible at all. I like assertive guys. And I can’t with those “whatever you wanna do” guys.

#AintNobodyGotTimeForThat

It’s me, Siren B

ox

Yeah so, Mr Investment Banker is really starting to get on my tits (dear American followers, this just means he is pissing me off).

Ok, my problem in life is that I am too nice. Once I hear someone’s life story, I find it hard to just ignore them or be openly dismissive. HOWEVER, this is coupled with my other problem in life; I don’t know what tact means and I have zero patience/intimacy issues. Yes, I am very aware that I evidently have many problems but here’s the thing - I cannot and will not understand how people can go from zero to hero in .5 seconds. Like, with IB - he just TRIES so hard to act the role of my boyfriend, which would be super adorable IF we’d ever bloody met. I noticed this and ignored him for a while, then I felt bad as a hate being ignored (I tell you, having conflicting issues is a real problem) so I responded the next time he messaged me and told him I’d been busy dealing with family stuff (technically true but in my heart I know that the ‘too busy’ excuse is bullshit)

His response could have saved him but instead he said something to the effect, ‘I understand Siren A and all I wish to do is be the listening ear that you need’ (he’s proper posh btw)- then he said it again and again and again in like 5 different ways - vom, vom, DOUBLE vom.

Who said I needed a listening ear bro? 

I am well aware that women in some circles may think I’m a bitch and he’s a sweetheart. I even understand that my intimacy issues are magnifying the nauseating effect of everything he says, but I just believe that when you’ve never seen someone face to face, the attachment levels shouldn’t be so high. I should be able to miss one call from you without waking up to a multitude of ‘sorry if I’ve offended you’ messages. I don’t have the patience to be reaffirming niggas daily. 

It’s quite sad really, because he is almost just a normal, lovely bloke but if you haven’t seen me and you break down every time I don’t answer your call, my thinking is that if I became your chick, you’d probably put a GPS tracker in my weave and I am not even about that life.

I got a message from him asking if I wanted him to delete my number. I essentially told him that I didn’t at first until he started making such a huge deal over every minute thing and now I’m starting to think he should fall back.

So yeah - back to my original point.

Needy niggas never win.

Siren A

x

P.s. But will I ever win though? 

So last night, as I’m rustling up a quick lasagne, I get a text from Sherlock asking me to watch a movie with him. Now, as an aside, I am currently in the peak of my horn, so I would literally explode in a pool of desire if someone so much as touched my elbow. So, not caring what movie was on show, I accepted and put on my most boob revealing top (in conjunction with other items obv) and waited patiently for his car to arrive at my door.

We watched a movie SO boring that I literally almost fell asleep and as a self confessed movie enthusiast, I really NEVER do that. (btw don’t go to see killing them softly with brad pitt- it’s a poor representation of a gangster movie with not nearly enough violence to satisfy my evident blood lust- and long fucking monologues about nothing)

Rant over.

Anyhoo- I watch this shit excuse for a movie and I suck it up with no complaints - even though I’m exhausted and I have to wake up for work in like 5 hours. I do this all because I am certain I will get some action. At the end of the fucking night, he only bloody does his gentleman shit and refuses to give me some. Then, has the fucking cheek to ask me to go with him to see Taken 2 ( really excited about that)

Erm- no fucking chance. I don’t understand the point of these fucking movie outings if I can’t even get a cheeky snog. I can bloody afford to go to the cinema by myself or with some girlfriends and have more fun. If I’m going to acquiesce to movie requests from a bloke, then the least I should get is a fucking snog.

Obviously, I acted like a lady and calmly exited his car, HOWEVER, he is sadly mistaken if he thinks that I’m coming to the movies with him again. I’ll let one of my other gentlemen callers have the honour - AND I won’t even have to slut up to get a kiss.

Elementary my dear Watson.

Siren A

X

P.s. I am a little bit drunk at the mo. Work drinks are an awful thing.

Now let me start by saying that I hate this question. I hate it but I know why people ask it. Me? I started online dating for many reasons:

1. Out of curiosity - I wanted to see if it was possible to find a normal human online or if it was just a mass of murderers and sex trade workers.

2. Boredom

3. As a platform for this blog - I genuinely enjoy my online experiences. The good, the bad and the ugly. It entertains me and consequently, you too.

However, I am still skeptical as to the actual effectiveness of online dating in terms of finding love. It’s probably because I think too much but if a guy hasn’t joined for any of the above reasons, I start thinking it’s because people who know them in the real world already know that they’re clinically insane, so they needed fresh and blissfully unaware meat.

Thus far, I have found that ALL the good looking men online are there because they are clingy and all the women in the real world avoid them. It’s true.

I have met yet another one. Investment banker. Semi hot. Well dressed and in love after day 2. We have never met face to face btw. He gets anxious if I don’t answer his call and then sends me apology messages (even though no one is fighting)

Red sign no.2 - He emailed me from a family member’s funeral to say that he couldn’t talk because he was burying a relative (when I hadn’t even called or messaged him fyi) - some may think this is sweet. I was just a little confused. Why is your phone even out though? Unless you’re messaging your wife to tell her you can’t pick up the kids/attend the birth of your twins, then shouldn’t you be concentrating on the whole burial thing? But no, you’re messaging a chick you’ve never met face to face. Is that not STRANGE?

I am trying not to be quick to judge because with this attitude, I will be alone and have to grow my first born in a petri dish but I’ve watched all the movies and just don’t want anyone to stroke my face with a knife.

I think I will give the banker a chance but I am skeptical. Help me out guys: am I the only skeptic? why are YOU on Pof?

Siren A

x

The funniest thing happened at work today.

I came back from my lunch break to find the ladies from my team giggling to themselves and most of them were blushing!

I was tres confused because obviously something had gotten them in such a tizzy for them to be acting like teenage girls.

I asked them what the matter was and they told me…or rather, showed me.

Side note: One of the ladies’ husband goes on a golf tour every year with his buddies. Each year, the guys from the golf group send their wives a picture of a naked buff man “in case they ever felt lonely”. 

This year the picture that was circulated was of a man who was hung like a fucking horse. His dick was huge.

What made me laugh was that the ladies were all discussing whether any body could ever had a dick that big. They didn’t think so.

But I know for a fact it’s possible.

His name is Tyrone. (It’s not really)

I met him during University. 

He retook my virginity. 

Yes, I said it. He retook my virginity. As in, it wasn’t there before we fucked, but his dick created it in my ninny and then retook it! 

Not. Fun. At. All.

Like, who the fuck ever said big dicks were the best? They fucking lied.

My ninny and I don’t want again. Ever.

Average Joes are all welcome to Ninnyville™, but like not all of them cuz I ain’t no hoe. 

It’s me, Siren B

ox

P.s. I nearly died of laughter when one of the ladies at work let slip 45 minutes later that she couldn’t get the image out of her head and it was all she’d been thinking about. I almost called Tyrone to come see to her needs because clearly her man at home wasn’t.

Ok so I met a guy at work (not from the same office, just the same business complex) and we started hanging out a lot during our lunch breaks. Now, I’m not even being weird but I had a think about it, and I think this is a cop out lifestyle.

1. I don’t want to forever date under the watchful eye of my nosey colleagues as I’m not really into PDA and this means my ninny will stay dry.
2. I don’t like grey areas. If you want to ask me out on a date, then do it. Don’t get comfortable with these little lunch date things.
3. I keep having to pay. I can afford it. However, he keeps asking me to lunch and because it’s not an official date, I keep bringing the cash.

I’m not being funny but I have a thing about people asking me out and then letting me pay. I understand it when it’s under the guise of ‘work lunch’ but I am certain he fancies me. So I want a real date.

Which is why he asked me today to meet him and I said no. I will continue to say no until he asks me out after working hours OR remembers that he has co workers and spends his lunch with them instead.

I’m totally entitled right?

A
X

That’s probably the reason why my inbox on PoF and OkC has been flooded with messages such as these…

I almost let it slide but I couldn’t. My thing is, if you’re going out of your way to impress someone with grammatical propriety, HOW has your first sentence lost the appropriate punctuation? Is it me? Am I too harsh?

Erm…please tell me you’re not still trying to ride on the 50 shades train? That’s not even exciting anymore.

Yes hun, of course you have.  I also saw you. Except I was watching the news. You were a sexual offender. Cheers.

After I translated the paragraph, I was genuinely tempted to contact the administrator and have him taken off the site. Not me though. Just him.

You don’t get it either do you??

OK, so now can someone let me know the name of the pet that I stole in a past life, so I can return it in this life and maybe catch a break???

Siren A

x

Today, I am feeling particularly horny. I have considered sexual harassment, but I’m told that HR frown upon that sort of behaviour….

There is NO one in my life to flirt with (that will result in actual ninny tickling or even a cheeky snog)

It got so bad, I almost considered this guy…

EXCEPT for the fact that I’m not crazy bro.

Also - ridiculelessly is not a word.

Siren A

x

That’s right heifers. It’s me - siren A. I know you’ve desperately missed me but I’m here to fill you in.

Ok BIG news. I finally had sex. A little weird that I’m sharing it with you all, since you’re all strangers, but the thing is, I’m anonymous sooooo here goes.

After 20-something years of waiting patiently and having sexual trysts here and there, I went to the US of A and I was wooed by one portuguese speaking nigga. ALSO he was totes white. I’ve never dated a white guy, so I found it a bit funny that my first time was with a white guy. Race aside, he KNEW what he was doing and that’s why Aneris forgot all her vows to wait for the right guy [or at least a relationship] and rode that nigga like it was an olympic sport. Tbh, he was really sweet and made the experience lovely. The right blend of cuddling and straight animal sex making.

So yeah. I’m no longer a virgin. BOOM.

P.s. WHY did no one tell me sex was sweet like this?

Siren A

x

Yep, it’s that time again.

Here’s the best of this week’s messages (it’s a long one):

This here is a prime example of a when a white nigga doesn’t know how to flirt with a sister.

I just wasn’t in the mood. He was short, ugly and not what I deserve in life.

Last time I checked, my name wasn’t ‘google’ bruv.

If you knew you spelt it wrong, why didn’t you check for the correct spelling? That’s just fucking lazy.

This guy was the daddy of all clowns. He kept hounding me to give him my number so he could send me his picture. He assured me he would delete it after but I told him there was no reason to have it at all.

Before you see the next set of pictures, I feel that I should mention that they have in no way been fabricated. What you’re about to witness ACTUALLY took place.

The confusion was/is too real. I actually couldn’t continue conversing with this guy because I was laughing so hard. 

What I want to know is which wizard put my picture somewhere for all these crazies to come and find me.

Who did I upset? Really and truly, I want to know.

Not on anyone any time soon (unless both sets of genitalia are about the sexy time).

It’s me, Siren B

ox

Here’s what you should consider before answering:

A very good friend of mine is having a leaving BBQ this weekend. (good music, alcohol and meat…need I say more?)

I’m off to see a lady about making the transition from ‘sasquatch’s secret love child’ to ‘Siren B with the smooth, sexy legs (and ninny)’

Another friend of mine will be at the festivities. He has made it no secret that he would very much like to scratch his itch with me (nothing more than collecting an orgasm here people).

It has been a veryyyy dry two/three months for Siren B. Visitors to Ninnyville™ have been at an all time low of zero (not counting my pretty-in-pink, motorised friend, Bernie).

Now that you have all the facts, would I be a terrible person if I dragged the boy away to a secret part of the house for about 20 mins and got myself a quick O?

Cuz. I. Am. Horny.

Answers please.

It’s me, Siren B

ox

Do people really talk like that? what the fuck?!

My thinking is that girls must give them positive responses otherwise they wouldn’t continue. But I’m really not looking to get raped/killed/sliced up/all of the above any time soon so…

I have now found empirical evidence that the phrase ‘treat ‘em mean to keep ‘em keen’ is indeed fact. That was not my intent in ignoring Big Meech. I just wanted him to leave me alone. He didn’t.

My answer was very polite. I simply said I am not interested and wished him a nice day.

At this point, I stopped responding.

1. Because I was at work and had deadlines to meet.

2. Because one cannot reason with the unreasonable.

I find the line ‘what if I don’t know how much I could fancy you’ to be particularly amusing/entirely irrelevant. The fundamental point mate is that I DON’T FANCY YOU.

Siren A

x

I feel like I owe you all a post. It’s not even right for me to neglect you like this. So, let me tell you a a tale.

Once upon a time, there was a little girl called Aneris. On a summers day, Aneris was minding her very own business, doing some dishes like the super awesome housewife she is [minus the whole wife bit obv] when her phone lit up.

“What does this magical light mean?” she exclaimed, and dropped her maiden duties to check who had decided to show her some love that fine afternoon. She looked down and what did she see? A FUCKING MESSAGE FROM CIA A asking if she still wanted to meet up.

Now Aneris had always prided herself on being a savvy lass, and so she calmly took a picture of the message, sent it to her kinsman and asked her why her life was destined to be filled with niggas who weren’t 100%?? 

Aneris wasn’t trying to be mean, she was very much the lady she had been raised to be. Her only problem is that she wasn’t down to go out like that. Especially when he ended the message with a smiley face. Smiley faces are harmless you say! They signify warmth and puppies and rainbows.

Erm well under normal circumstances, Aneris would agree. However, considering the way things ended with CIA A, she just didn’t want to end up in a cellar with someone stroking her cheek tenderly with a knife.

Aneris did not respond to that message. She did however bake a mean cake and rustle up some brill bolognese. She may be naught but a fair maiden, but this bitch sure knows how to cook and how to stay alive.

The End.

Just in case y’all ain’t sharp, Aneris is Siren A backwards. The savvy bitch is me. I am all about the grub and the self preservation.

Siren A

x

First of all, by ‘GoodCherryLicker’, I’m assuming he means the fruit…yes? Secondly, what the fuck am I supposed to do with ‘hi’?

The confusion was/is real. Was this message sent because I’m black? What exactly is he praising Jesus for? What’s with the shouty caps ‘lol’ at the end? So many questions…

This is the series of text messages I got from the guy the baby daddy post is about (he got all weird with me after I told him I didn’t want to see pictures of his kid).

Siren A knows what to do if I’m suddenly found dead.

You are all witnesses too.

I’m beginning to think internet dating may not be for me either…

It’s me, Siren B

ox

P.s I deleted his voicemail without hearing it and I’m genuinely scared for my life. There are seriously unhinged people out there.